i've gotta say, blogger makes me :)

so, recently, i have discovered some friends that have a blog, and it's been fun to read their blogs. i have also recently brought a friend of mine into the blogging family. not only is blogging fun (and addicting), but it is so much fun now that i have multiple friends that have blogs because i love reading and commenting. it's just fun :) thought i would mention that.

now for the actual blog part:
this is an exerpt from a book i am currently reading called Mind Games. as soon as i read this, i felt this HUGE relief that i wasn't the only one... i related to this instantly (except for the singing parts in the beginning, cause i don't know how to sing). so i feel the need to share this... it's about distraction, and you can pretty much change the scenario to whatever you'd like, but the point is still made. you could change "worship" to "prayer" or to "listening" or whatever you want.
this takes place during the worship service at a church, and this is the thought process of the gal, rachel... keep in mind, all of this is while she's worshiping. it's long, but i think it's worth it. (after all, i did sit here and type it all out... no cut and paste here)

I wonder if I should be singing in my chest voice or my head voice. Ooh, i can catch this harmony! I wonder if that's distracting to the person next to me.
Oops, he sang the wrong lyrics. He does that a lot. I wonder if he's self-conscious about that.
Is she really worshipping, or does she do that because it looks good? I'll bet she's not thinking that. I should pay attention. Focus, rachel, focus!
I love music. I love singing. Worst of all, i love performing.
Why worst of all? Because my head will just not shut up when i am trying to participate in worship of a musical nature. There's so much going on--the music, the video or lyrics up on the screen, the worship band ripping into the traditional worship songs. plus, i'm concerned with how i sound, and i challenge myself to try harmonies and sing out.
What drives me crazy is that, in the middle of all this distraction and vanity, a little voice always says, "Focus, rachel! Worship!" My heart digs into the worship experience for all of ten seconds before there's a new disruption to take my train of thought off the tracks.
I've prayed about this (probably not enough). I've gone to retreats that have renewed my spirit and seemingly "fixed" my group worship issues, only to lose focus a few weeks later and end up frustrated and angry with myself for letting superficial things get between me and God.
I'd like to blame this on my short attention span... concentrating on worship may just be too much to ask.
The falut could lie in the excitement of worship. How can i be expected to focus when worship has become a light show, a multimedia experience, and a concert all in one? Surely this is not my fault!
However, i have to say that years of focusing on myself--how i sound, how i look, my perception of others, me, me, me--is a part of my former life that i have yet to give over to God. It's difficult to admit, but it's true.
Of all the elements of Christianity that define the lifestyle, worship is the one thing that cannot be about me. Elements like my sin and my lifestyle changes and my attitude are about me. Worship is about God--just God. It's just about who God is. He's wonderful, glorious, powerful, sovereign. He's all of those things completely seperate from me. If i didn't exhist, he'd still be all of those things. And knowing that makes my distractions, my selfishness, and my excuses pretty lame.
The solution? If singing distracts me, I can't sing--i just focus on the words and say them to God in my heart. If the light show distracts me, I can't look--i'll just close my eyes and pretend it's just me and God in an empty room.
And if none of that works, i'll just be grateful that i can praise and worship God in what i do all hours of the day, not just the twenty minutes i spend in worship at church, Mercifully, two of His best qualities are patience and forgiveness.